Bronzed Beauties

Two weeks exactly before Camille's wedding she and I decided to go get fake tans. The spray on kind--made famous (or rather infamous) by that Friends episode where Ross gets freakishly tanned on only one side. We thought two weeks out would give us enough time to get a practice run in and figure out how to tan to perfection. It started with me calling to make our appointments:

YoungTannedPerkySalesClerk: "You've reached the tanning salon, how can I help you?"
Me: "I'd like to make an appointment for two people for..."
YTPSC: " We don't make appointments just show up-bye"
Me: "WAIT!!! DON'T HANG UP...what do we do?"
YTPSC: "What???"
Me: "I mean, is there anything we should know...how does this work?"
YTPSC: "Well, is this an emergency?"
Me: "An emergency...uh no this is NOT a tanning emergency." (all the while thinking--what the heck exactly is a tanning emergency? Do they have a tanning emergency room???"
YTPSC: "Okay then come in and we'll spray you with our clear mist solution."
Me: "Umm we want to be tanned not lacquered."
YTPSC: (clearly annoyed with me at this point) "The clear mist darkens over four hours its our best solution---if it was an emergency I'd have to bronze you so you could be tanned within an hour. It's not as good as the clear mist, but it works in an emergency."
Me: "Ooookay -- well, what should we wear"
YTPSC: "Umm..you're just getting a tan..wear whatever you want. BYE!"
CLICK

I pass on the info to Camille, and so we decide to go over on a Sunday afternoon. I'm busy gardening when Camille arrives in a white blouse and skirt. I just throw down my spade and head off in work out clothes and my crocs. As we get to the salon we're told it's important to not be wearing any makeup and to be freshly exfoliated. Camille and I look at each other--this information would have been helpful to have earlier. We decide to try it anyway.

This sales clerk is young, tanned, but more punk then perky. Punky explains that the tanner works much like an automatic car wash. We'll climb in and 'she' will tell us where to stand and what to do while automatic sprayer things move around us. There are feet drawn on the floor of the tanning booth and the machine orders us to do things like 'place left foot on 1 and right foot on 4.' Camille goes first. I'm terrified of the whole process. While I'm waiting for Camille to tan I realize I have dirt caked on my legs from gardening. I run into the restroom and give myself what amounts to a sponge bath with paper towel to get the dirt off. I come out just as Camille is finishing. She promises me it isn't too scary and really easy to do and it will be okay. She also warns me to hold my breath while my face is being sprayed.

I climb into the machine. The outer booth is a little changing room that has a hand towel, wet wipes, and lotion. I prep and climb into the actual booth. 'She' tells me to place my left foot on 2 and right on 4' I do as 'she' says, and the sprayer moves to the bottom of the booth to spray my foot. It starts spraying. It keeps spraying my foot. I start thinking--it seems like it's spraying one foot for an inordinately long time. It keeps spraying. Then it stops and 'she' says...please get attendant. I think -- what the heck!!!

I struggle to cover myself with a hand towel (not a pretty sight!), while frantically scrubbing at my foot with wet wipe--thinking my foot will be BROWN and the rest of me pasty white. I manage to get Camille's attention and she gets punky. Punky, comes over and plays around with the machine, completely ignoring me frantically trying to de-tan my foot. After a while, she announces that the machine is broken.

She's never seen anything like this happen before and offers to credit my account. She has to tell the other people waiting that the machine has broken as I pathetically plod out - past the people waiting for their chance to be tanned - with one tanned foot.

My account has been credited, but I haven't been back yet. You'll notice from the wedding photo's that Camille is tanned and gorgeous and I am am pale and translucent-- I think that works well on me!